one day we will all be beautiful.

I’m at a payphone, trying to call home.

Hello K. 

How are you?

I blocked you on Facebook and MSN, deleted your emails, SMSes and whatsapp chatlogs (do you know our chatlog took 20 minutes and my phone hanging twice to delete?). I told Auntie Jin NEVER to schedule our facial appointments on the same day. I avoid taking 190 at 4.30pm on Saturdays because I cannot stand the thought of bumping into you ever again. I switched off my whatsapp notifications because my heart would strangely ache for your messages whenever a notification pops up. I have never been to Abercombie and Fitch because I cannot stand being reminded of how you smell. I HATE any references to the stupid Taiwanese Na Xie Nian movie because I can barely remember watching the movie, I was only aware of you and the way you kept popping popcorn in my mouth (You should know, I hated popcorn ever since I worked at Moviebites when I was 16 and I had to face it EVERY.SINGLE. DAY, but I still ate that darn snack whenever I watched movies with you) I broke a promise I made to you (and to myself) because I refuse to let you hold any part of me. I have chucked Pinky&the Brain into the back of the storeroom, like how I have tried to leave the cinders of our burnt bridges to softly smoulder. 

For the most part, I have been fine. There are days where I am gently awashed with memories of you, mostly glad that I had someone like you once in my life. Some days I am confused, bitter and angry because you had the cheek to pretend like nothing has ever happened between us and just walk away without the courage to actually tell me how you truly felt. Some days, I’m cold, ambivalent and cynical because you’ve just become one of those guys anyway. Some days I feel guilt-ridden for my irrationality, emotional outbursts and unrealistic expectations at that point in time.  But most days, I’m fine and I’m trying to move away from you, from the consecutive hurt afflicted upon me and toward a quiet acceptance and the serenity of being alone. My 2012 so far has been amazing — the prospect of heading back to dance in the horizon, a whole ensemble of supportive friends that I stumbled upon in my new cellgroup and new clique, the old friends that have weathered storms with me, a deeper spiritual walk with God: everything is slowly slowly falling into place.

But you still continue to have the most vulnerable part of me; you still have the power to topple the equilibrium I’ve managed to achieve over these 5 months. I don’t know what in the devilry propelled me to, but last week I texted you, and today, out of burning curiosity, I popped by your Facebook page. 

I can’t describe how it feels like to watch your life unfold through my laptop screen. The new photos you’ve been tagged in, the new wall posts, the video of you laughing and wrestling with a friend.. I’m glad you’re happy, you still look terrific (my heart skipped a beat watching you laugh). You feel strangely familiar, but yet, different in all ways. It’s true isn’t it? Nothing is the same anymore, both of us have been made different.

How are you, K? I really miss you.  

I really wished I was stronger, like I could collect all the memories of you: all the emails, the overnight phone calls, whatsapp marathons, the times you gently collected me as if I were a delicate porcelain doll, the ways I could lay out the dirtiest, most unsavory part of my past in front of you and you would fiercely fend off the demons in my mind. The way it felt as though you were a part of me because your soul echoed my thoughts (when you came into my life it felt as though I heard the doorbell gently ringing with your presence: you’re finally coming home). How I felt so protected, so comforted and so secure with you. All of you: all of what we had, what we said, what went wrong, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Yet at the same time, I can’t quite put back the pieces of the puzzle. Some part of us has already been lost in yesteryears, in time lost, and in words unsaid (or said too much, too often, too early). 

If, by any chance you are reading this, K: I really miss you. I miss the best friend I had in you. Whatever happened has happened and I don’t need to know the reason why: some things are better left unsaid, and I want to walk far far away from the broken pieces behind me. I just want you to know that I would love to hear from you as a friend, and that I would hate that the bond we have disintegrate because of such stupid reasons. Nobody quite so comprehend me like you do.